~The Real You & Dianne's Presents
2002-07-21 - 1:57 p.m.

Sometimes I realise how little I really know people. I often ponder on how little people really know me, but not so often on the other way around. I think there is one way I could feel like I know a person truly, as far as another person can ever know into the depths of someone: It involves being close friends in real life, being able to read their diary online and also chatting to them frequently online. I think the only people I really feel that I know well are Emma and Amber, but it's not even enough with them.

With Amber I only know what she chooses to divulge through the text of her diary, emails or instant messages. She is fairly open and natural, but I know there are days when I'm bothered or there are things that have happened during the day and I don't mention those things online, even in my diary. I don't use my diary for fleshing out my personality and life, I use it to talk about whatever I feel like talking about, which doesn't have to be anything to do with me at all. So I know that until I spend a lot of time with Amber in person, I'll never really have the complete picture.

With Emma it's different. I know a lot about how she reacts to things and what goes on in her day to day life. But Emma's reserved and she doesn't have a diary for me to get that extra insight that would clue me in. I know I don't tell her a lot of things, either, but I think I would if she reciprocated, but she doesn't, so I don't feel comfortable with it. We both know very much what is going on in each other's lives, but there are always extra things. I never really know how Emma's handling her uni stress (if she's feeling any at all), for instance. There are many other things that I never really know with regard to Emma's feelings and opinions and reactions.

It does come as a bit of a shock, however, when I think I know a bit about someone and then I find out some new things - see them in a new environment, talk a bit more deeply with them, read something new they've written - that shows how much they've kept hidden from me. I don't mean that everyone does it on purpose, but I suppose sometimes I had believed I was more trusted and only realised when that something new was revealed how little I had been trusted up til then; that I was a good fun friend and not a close friend, like I had thought.

That hurts, just a little, at least until I have time to readjust my mental image of the friend, but then I think that I do the same, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. I can't help but have degrees of friendship with everyone and sometimes it takes longer to get on a really close level with people than with others. It doesn't mean I like them less, but at any time I can usually list in order the people I would share the most with. This changes, of course, but usually there's a clear top group and secondary group etc.

I think that's something I've really come to be aware of online, especially with this stupid diary fad we've all been sucked into: it's so easy to put people on levels. Like with my cast list. I had such a hard time thinking about who to include on the list (in the end I just went for people I thought I'd mention withour explanation often enough to warrent inclusion). That in itself, though, shows the levels of the people who were most on my mind at the time. Diaries themselves: who you let read yours, who you give a password to. Who is on your IM lists, who is actually on your visible lists or who is blocked, who has your personal email and who has your general/business one...

Yet we all have this desire to be, if not the most, one of the most special of friends in the eyes of our friends - even if we don't reciprocate that feeling to the same degree.

I picked Dianne up from the airport early.early.early this morning. I made her cookies last night but I don't think she likes them a whole lot, even though she didn't say so - she kept suggesting we put them in the oven a second time so they're not so soft. She brought presents home with her for me and everyone. I've got a soft toy guinea pig ("mi mi") a soft toy Nessie, a set of playing cards with English castles, an Eiffel tower keyring, a Welsh dragon keyring and stickers, a silky-ish kimono-dressing-gown from Singapore, this lovely Heather-gem ring, a Welsh wooden lovespoon, a Jane Austen map of Bath and a Jane Austen unofficial history of Britain's monarchs & a bookmark from the British Museum! Niftynifty!

Now I'm off to keep Dianne company at the shops.