is me.

~The Outlook
2007-07-31 - 7:27 p.m.

Well. I don't know.

Do I want too much? I don't even know what I want. All I know is that I feel as if I'm back where I was two years ago. Do you remember? Stressed. Always tired. Not fit, not exercings. Always with aches and usually with migraines. Feeling incompetent and feeling overwhelmed and feeling as if I never have enough time.

Last year I was poor. Last year I felt hindered by how poor I was because I knew I was barely keeping up with my expenses. I couldn't afford to move forward - to move out or do more study/training. I felt frustrated and a little helpless (or maybe rudderless) because I was at the mercy of phone calls from schools asking me for work. I often went to bed at night and woke in the morning not knowing whether I'd be working that day and feeling relieved and disappointed whatever the result. I never knew which class I'd be in or what I'd have to deal with during the day.

Those were the down sides and, after a while, they became fairly large down sides because I felt at the mercy of other things and not in control of my own situation and without any security or any career development.

But I was also happy. Especially when I was teaching at APS, because I didn't have to worry about knowing the kids or the school or the procedures or the staff or the geography. I was happy because I could spend a good day with a class and then go home at 3:45 without worrying about correction, reports, planning etc. I had time to rest, to relax, to exercise. I also had time to spend money and to realise how creatively stilted I was. Because I'm am motivated and ambitious and creative, I just don't always have the stamina and organisation to fulfill these desires effectively.

So, now I'm back at work. I've saved around $5,000 in the past three months, which makes me think that I could consider looking around for a place to move into. It would have to be on my own, and I'd be giving up a lot of the luxuries of home - most significantly the ADSL and the air conditioning. If I move out on my own, I probably won't have much money to save and I'll definitely need to fork out for a lot of things to fill my home initially (although Dianne & Tim's furniture & appliances are apparently at my disposal whenever I want them, even though they're currently being used by their friends).

I'm getting all convoluted. This is supposed to help me sort out my thoughts (although I know I won't be able to settle anything) and instead I feel I'm getting sidetracked and even more confused.

Basically, I don't know if I want to continue full-time teaching, or teaching at all. However, anything else that I choose to do would leave me poor and requiring money for the things I want to do.

I need money for:
- Moving out.
- Paying bills etc.
- Continuing study.
- Health-related: Joining a gym/medical expenses.

For which I need full-time employment.

Disadvantages of full-time employment:
- No time for exercise.
- No time for study/training.
- Stress levels rise.
- Confidence decreases.
- Ill-health gets on top of me.

I don't really want to go back to casual teaching. The pay is crap and I missed having my own class to develop my own routines and see them develop and improve. That is why I love teaching, after all.

I'm just not really sure that full-time teaching is what I really want to do, either. I've tried it. This is my fourth year of full-time teaching and every year I've basically been unhappy. I don't mean that I've hated my workplaces or moped around every minute of my life, but I haven't really felt calm and positive. Despite many good things, I've felt overwhelmed and tired and discontent and frustrated.

What I want is a job that I go to and feel I can deal with everything during the day and then leave and not take work home with me. I just never, ever, feel as if I'm doing enough and always seem to have things that get in the way and mean I never catch up.

I've tried. I've really, really tried to take all of the skills and attitudes I learned and developed as a CRT into this new position, but I just feel that it's draining me.

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~ ~

~The Outlook
~Angsty Future Worrying
~Exercise Determination
~Goals, Aspirations, Plans

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All content copyright Janette 2003. Headings from Sway by Bic Runga and Forgive Me by Evanescence.