~We Were Strolling In The Park One Day
2004-01-19 - 1:38 p.m.

Ahheughtuehehtuglaknvaahghsigh. First day of my last week of holidays.*poutpoutpout* And it's potentially one of my busiest weeks of the holidays. The other teacher who'll be using the other end of my classroom (big, shared rooms) wanted to come in some time this week to set the room up and stuff. I'll go in on Tuesday, the day before school starts, regardless, but it would be nice to have some time before that to get to know her and sit down and plan with her and so forth. I'm really rather nervous about planning. So that may take up one day this week. Len's in town as of today, so I'll spend at least one day with her. Jillian's 21st is on Saturday night, but that's also the night my uncle Steve is staying. His magazine (or is it a newspaper, I can't remember) has him in Melbourne that weekend but he's got other things to do and returns on Sunday, so I'm not sure if I'll get to see him very much. There's a chance I may cancel on Jillian, but I suspect the better option might just be to use him as an excuse to leave early if I'm having an icky time. Let's face it, I don't do very well in big party situations even when I know some people. In this case I'll only know Jillian and Dianne`, and it's unlikely I'll really be able to stick by them the whole time. Perhaps if she's got any (nice) uni friends I can talk teaching with them and that'll pass some time. It was nifty at Leonie's 21st last year. She had a dancing party and all of her dancing friends were there and taught people progressive dances. A few of them taught me dances, but one of the guys was the best at teaching, but later Emma & I discovered that he was finishing his final year of a teaching course, so we naturally ended up chatting about that with him. All of her dancing friends were really nice anyway, but it was better actually having something in common with people.

Aaah. What on earth will I talk to Viv's friends about? Hehe oh well, if I sit in the corner and feel like a doofus I'll survive, I've done so before. It sounds like Viv's got sooo many friends and that enough are outgoing and friendly enough that maybe somebody will take pity on me. Her uni friends are all physicsy types, which doesn't mean they'd have nothing in common with me (I mean, Viv does), but nothing springs to mind! Hehe ahhh well. That's kinda funny that Viv turns 21 after Jillian, I always think of Viv as older than Jillian. I mean, it makes sense logically, but impressions and perspectives aren't necessarily logical.

Yesterday afternoon I caught up with Viv finally this holidays. We wandered around the city shops (that specialty shop is closed on Sundays as well as Monday and Tuesdays. Sheesh! I'll have to try to catch up with Len in the city on a Wednesday-Saturday! I wonder what I should wear to Jillian's thing?? Would it be a skirt occasion? I suppose I'll scrounge up something, but I find that I'm much more confident if I feel decent and not-fat (especially as my tummy is definitely bigger than it was a few months ago!).

Anyway, Viv and I drove to Williamstown for dinner (which was yummy, but a few hours later it wasn't making me feel so good!) and then to a cakey shop for dessert. She paid for dinner because I didn't have enough cash, so we had a nice long stroll to the main shopping section where the ATMs were so I could get money out to pay her back - and I forgot to give her the money! Typical! We did a lot of strolling around the city and Williamstown, but I never notice walking far if it's leisurely and with friends. It's funny, though. I always have a lovely time with Viv, but immediately afterwards I'm usually struck with wondering if I was a bit boring or annoying. Do you know what I just realised? My realisation of all the friends of Viv has made me slightly paranoid and also made me see her in a different light. Before she started writing about them in her diary, she was just a friend like Leonie. With Leonie, I don't care how many friends she does or doesn't have, I know that together we always have a great time and thoroughlly enjoy each other's company. Oh dear I really should try to catch up with Leonie if she's free this week! I miss her! Aaanyway, it used to be like that with Viv, but the awareness of those friends of hers that always take up her free time and fill up her diary have crept into the back of my mind and play on my natural insecurity. She's popular. So, I've just come to realise, I worry about whether she wouldn't rather be spending time with those other very-fun-sounding friends. How silly, if she didn't want to spend time with me, I'm sure I'd pick up on it when we're together, and I'm sure she could make any number of excuses and I'd never know she was avoiding me (unless she does that already and takes pity on me once every few months!).

Hm, it's uncomfortable revealing all of that, especially when I know she's going to read it, but it's nice trying to get back into that blatantly honest, stupid-flaws-and-all kind of writing that I started with.

So anyway, moving away from my paranoia and insecurity....oh wait, I don't think I have anything but that to talk about. The biggest thing on my mind right now is work, of course, but that's full of paranoia and insecurity too. Woke up at 7:30am thinking about school.

P.S. Viv, I had a blast yesterday. :o)

P.P.S. Why highlight my buddy list in red when nobody has updated since I last visited?? Not that I really read the ones on this buddy list anyway, you guys all go on my janland list.