~Decisions
2005-10-09 - 3:17 p.m.

So I'm not sure what I want to do next year.

I've always had a loose future plan. I intend to teach for 10-15 years. I may find I want/need to teach longer: that's cool; this is just a loose, very flexible plan. I thought I'd teach for about two years - maybe three, to consolidate enough experience - and then go overseas. I'd teach in England for about six months and then travel around Europe for a bit, using England as my base, then come home and resume teaching. I'd thought I'd maybe be a generalist (classroom) teacher for 3 or 4 years and then have a go at being a music specialist. I've even idly mentioned every now and then the possibility of sharing a class with somebody and taking Performing Arts the rest of the time.

Last year and this year, though, it dawned on me that I'm not sure I'm ready to step out of the classroom. I know what I'm like: I need to maintain my momentum or I don't get back on the horse (to use a methphor badly). I also don't really feel that I'm that great a teacher over some things - particularly literacy (which is ironic, as it's something I feel very comfortable with personally). I haven't been able to see myself getting out of the classroom for another four or six years. That would mean no travel for that long, and continuing to work really hard to improve all of my little teaching things that I get so down on myself about and waiting until I felt ready to control classes from the whole school.

Let me tell you a story. It's a slight divergence, but it's illustrative of a point.

On Friday, Peggy (our Unit Leader) very kindly took my class for half an hour while I caught up on some Performing Arts Festival preparation. It's next Thursday, so I was feeling like I needed some extra time. I'd already spoken to her about a student I was concerned with. She took my class for a "personal writing" session (story writing and stuff). Well, when I came back, this girl had written about half a page and was getting some good detail going. I struggle to get her writing even two sentences. I'd showed her some easy work I'd had her do that morning. Peggy asked what the purpose of the work was, and then continued thinking about it. Peggy was very helpful, speaking to me about what she thought the student needed. Very kind, very helpful.

But this is me, remember? Ever since then, I've had a renewed feeling that I'm just not really doing well enough with some of these kids - perhaps with my whole Literacy planning. That Peggy and others could see a lot of things, a lot of very basic things, that I should be doing. The thing is, I'm sick of it. I'm not saying anyone thinks I'm doing anything other than a fantastically wonderful job, but I'm sick of feeling as if people are critical of how I teach.

If you were reading my LJ and recent posts here, you'd know that near the end of last term I had a spate of ill-health. I wasn't sick, I had a lot of neck/shoulder problems that caused a lot of discomfort generally and a lot of pain in my head. It dragged me down to the point where I was struggling to stay on top of things at work. One thing you need to understand is that if I don't have much energy, I don't plan well. If I don't plan well then kids like that student Peggy was talking to me about don't get effective learning activities. Obviously, I wasn't feeling as if I was teaching very well near the end of term, let alone doing a good job of my Performing Arts Festival groups, nor the organisation of the Festival. After Queensland, I've felt somewhat refreshed, but still rather fragile, like an alcoholic who's managed to get themselved on the straight and narrow but still needs to be extra careful when things get just a little rocky.

By the end of last term, I just couldn't cope anymore. I took the last day of term off because, as well as my head, shoulders and neck being terrible, I just couldn't face the day. I'd had a review meeting with Peggy, in which I'd told her a few work-related things that were bothering me, but, basically, I had just felt really down. On the last day, I basically felt depressed at the thought of school and work. I may have forced my way through the day if I'd been feeling better physically, but I may also have forced my way through the discomfort if I hadn't felt so unwound.

I began to feel rebellious against the restrictions of being a classroom teacher - not being able to take the time I wanted to go interstate, let alone overseas, not being able to spend time teaching the things I was enthusiastic about teaching (music, numeracy, computers), not being able to teach any one thing really well because I have to fit in all these other things, not being able to teach any one student really well because I've got a very needy, low ability class. The thought entered my mind that maybe I should take next year off and do CRT work. Then I could go overseas or interstate whenever I decided to.

I don't feel ready to go overseas, at least not alone. I feel ready to go and visit people and see things, but I still don't quite feel ready to cope with being all organised and oversea-ish and capable on my own just yet. If I was a CRT, I could teach for most of the year and go overseas around October, which would actually give me a year to prepare myself. Even though I thought of it at the end of term, really it was a reaction to not wanting to go to school. The thought of being a CRT has always felt really daunting. I'm not the kind of person who adjusts to new situations and new routines easily. I don't take in a lot of information well at once and I'm still learning a lot about controlling a class. Over the holidays I put all those thoughts on the back-burner. Let's face it, it's all rather a reaction to feeling unconfident and unwell. There are lots of things I enjoy about having a class that I couldn't enjoy. In fact, there are a lot of things I don't like about teaching that I'd still have even if I didn't have my own class - such as establishing routines and rapport with the students.

This week back at work after the holidays started out well, but on the third day one of my troublesome boys, who had been away, returned and the class immediately became more of an effort to control again. I can control them, but I have to expend a fair amount of energy keeping them in line. There were a lot of little things I feel I haven't got done this week because I've spent pretty much every lunchtime leading rehearsals for the Performing Arts Festival and the rest of the time on staffroom/first aid duty. Finally, there was that incident with Peggy.

This morning I woke up and I realised: I don't want to do this anymore. I'll hold off making any decisions because it may be a passing phase, but I don't think I want to be a classroom teacher at all. I'm sick of constantly struggling to improve my standards of things like teaching writing. Every month I try harder and every month I feel that I've been teaching for a month more so the expectations of what I'm teaching rises accordingly. I know a lot of this is self-imposed pressure, but the fact that it's stemming from a genuine expectation that I'll improve and be doing the best for the students means that it's something I can't seem to let go of. I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I've got to work harder, be more organised, provide better learning experiences, spend more time with each student, take more notes, correct more work, write better reports, do more tests/assessment. I hatehatehate it. I'm just sick of it.

Suddenly I felt this morning that I could cope out of the classroom. If I become a Performing Arts specialist, with maybe some support roles in there too (e.g. taking groups of Numeracy students for extra learning), I imagine I'd still have to provide reports, I'd still need to plan, I'd still have to deal with difficult students, but I'd also be running my own program. I wouldn't be comparing myself to someone else because nobody else would be teaching what I was. Most important, I would also be focusing my whole time on things about which I'm enthusiastic, rather that spreading myself thin trying to teach everything and doing it not as in depth as I'd like. I don't know if I'd be allowed to do it - if they could have another teacher out of the classroom - but I don't want to be a classroom teacher anymore. At worst, I'd want to be the lesser part of a teaching partnership, with one teacher taking our class for two thirds of the time and me taking them for the other third.

I don't feel quite as ready to be a CRT, but then I think about how many CRTs my current school hires and I think I could work the majority of my time there. That wouldn't be as stressful. Yes, there'd be the pressure of having to come into different classes all the time and trying to teach the teacher's lesson pans, but then I'd go home at 3:45 and not have to stay for meetings or plan or write reports. I wouldn't get holiday pay and if I was sick I'd just miss out on money, but I could take a day off whenever I wanted and I could spend four weeks overseas or interstate in the middle of the year without work hassles. I also know I'd get pretty steady work - at least 3 days a week and often 5 days a week for most weeks. There's a huge demand for CRTs in our area.

I'm not sure what would be best to do. There's a good chance I'll end up just settling for being in the classroom again next year, and if I had a decent class for once, that mightn't be too terrible. All I know is that, right now, I don't want to do what I've been doing this year and feeling what I've been feeling recently.

I'll ask the principal to consider my specialist/support proposal. I'm not eager to have to have another contract next year, but if I don't (unless I'm lucky enough to get offered an ongoing position), I have to consider what becoming a CRT will do to things like my long-service leave etc. After that, we'll see. The hard thing about being ruled by emotions is that sometimes I'm forced to take drastic action that isn't neccesarily the best thing, but I simply cannot put up with things. It's like when I quit working at the cinemas. I was only getting about one short shift every week, occasionally every fortnight, so it wasn't as if it should have been that big a hardship to keep going - but I'd found it pretty hard to stand for a long time and I felt such a relief once I'd quit. It meant my final year of uni was pretty tight, but, considering how much trouble I had with insomnia in my third and fourth years, it really wasn't a terrible thing to have one less pressure.

P.S. I've put up the first three of about four posts about my Queensland holiday on my livejournal, with photos. Just click on the livejournal link on the menu at the side. *points to the right*