~Sneaking Suspicion of Hidden Depths
2006-02-05 - 2:00 p.m.

It's interesting to realise this sneaking suspicion that's growing on me that I have the potential to be one of those people who goes out and tries adventurous things.

Because I'm sooo not like that. I live at home. I teach because I didn't have the courage or conviction to try for acting or writing (i.e. go through a whole lot of angst and not earn much for years, if ever) but couldn't stand to have a job that I didn't at least partly enjoy. I don't like being sociable - even small family gatherings are a bit of a chore for me - and I'd rather stay at home than go out.

But now I'm beginning to look out around the world a bit more. I may hatehatehate my trip overseas, especially as I'll essentially be all alone for a lot of it, but I'm doing it, aren't I? In the end, I'm not sitting around waiting for someone else to come with me, I'm just going out and doing it alone.

And it's not just that. It's as if that, coupled with finally breaking free of full-time work for a year, has opened up whole new horizons for me. I'm beginning to think that, whereas I used to never even consider being anywhere other than a Melbourne suburb, maybe I'd like to try a year or two in a more rural setting - they do find it hard to get teachers out there! It might be freeing. I'd maybe like to do volunteer work or some other kind of community work. I may actually teach overseas for a bit in the future.

And...it's a bit hard to explain...but there's this sense of those Big Ideas that I've often had and immediately discarded actually being not just doable, but enjoyable.

Even if all I ever do is stay a teacher in a suburban school, I hope this feeling sticks with me. While it would be exciting to apply it to the world, it could even be so rewarding to just to apply it to wherever I am.
What you've got to understand is that this comes as quite a suprise to me. I've really got this self-image as a very cautious and conservative and homey person. I'm not really sure why I think I've got this funny light inside of me that is beginning to shine, but I don't want it to go out because I've always wished I had one!