~What do you think of me?
2005-01-11 - 11:17 a.m.

6:35 PM 10/01/2005
Do you ever wonder why people like you? I do, all the time. Well, not wonder why people like you, but wonder why they like me. I don't mean that I think I'm an unlikable person, despite my ever-present insecurities. I do think there are lots of things to like about me. The thing is that not many people seem to notice these things enough to really be my friend, even fewer like me over enough other people for me to be a special friend.

Therefore, the people that do like me that much, why do they? What do they see in me that others don't? What is it about me that makes them want to spend time with me? Even though I'd like to think I'm very easy to like, I can't help acknowledging sometimes that I'm not an especially fun person. I don't mean that I'm dismal and negative, but I'm not up there at the top of the Fun Time A-List. What do I like doing? I like reading, being online, singing and playing music, watching movies, being creative, doing puzzles and trivia, being introspective and being silly. That might sound like a killer combination, but it's not. It doesn't lend itself very well to socialising, because how many people want to sit down and compare character traits ad nauseum, sing melodies to my bad harmonies endlessly or sit there making up silly phrases? How many people get excited at the thought of coming over and watching 4 hours of script writers' commentary for Lord of the Rings or think it's fun to write silly sketches?

When it comes to just "talking" - you know, going for coffee or whatever - you have to be lucky to get me in a chatty mood. I do get them (and goodness, once I get started...), but they don't really happen naturally with most people. I rely on others to bring up topics of conversation to which I can contribute.

And when I think of my friends, particularly my offline friends, I can't help wondering sometimes why they like me. Why do EmmaH and Alysha like me, for instance? I don't think I have a thing in common with them as people, although the teacher thing can supply hours of conversation for anyone in education! What draws them to my company above the 100-300 other students we came across during our uni course? Neither of them are particularly into reading, singing, the internet, nor the "geeky" fandom things I love, such as Monty Python, The Goodies, Ab Fab, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Labyrinth, Mulan, Mary Poppins, Terry Pratchett, Chalet School etc.

Even take Emma; There are soo many things we have in common: our natural introversion, love of writing, playing instruments and singing, quoting Monty Python or Gilbert & Sullivan, being silly...So I understand why, for a girl who cried embarassingly at the drop of a hat until year 8, someone rather accepting and quiet, someone who didn't play the bitchy girl games, but was just brave enough to knock on staffroom doors for her, would appeal.

But now? I'm not saying she dislikes my company, but I can't see that if we went six months without communicating that she'd really miss me. She doesn't really talk to me, she never did. She talks to Sally. But I like really talking. If you're my friend, particularly my best friend, I like knowing how you feel about things, I like understanding how you react to things. I like being able to share all the inconsequential kind of thoughts that go into my diary and actually feel that you're interested, rather than politely letting me talk. I can't see what appeal there is for someone who isn't that openly reflective to spend best friend time with me.

Then there're people like Viv. Unlike Alysha, Viv actually has a lot in common with me. The thing is that she's got about a gazillion other really close friends with whom she also has a lot in common and with whom she spends a lot more time - and fun time, too. My range of fun seems to be a movie, eating lunch at the same old place (albiet a very nice place) or just hanging aimlessly. The latter always stresses me with people I don't see often, because I feel like I should be more entertaining. And that's just it: why would someone like Viv really care much about spending time with someone like me when she has so many other wonderful friends? It puzzles me, quite honestly, sometimes.

I think there are some people whose friendship doesn't puzzle me quite so much because I understand what I give them. I understand that for them I'm very supportive or understanding and they value that. I'm not saying that people shouldn't like me or that I think they're strange for liking me, I just can't always place why they like me. Sometimes this merely sets me wondering, other times it makes me downright insecure or even paranoid.

Probably the worst part of it all is that I don't really live near enough to anyone to just pop around regularly, nor do I really see any of my friends every day or even every week, as I used to with high school, uni and choir. I suppose it makes me feel more on the outside of my friends' lives, and puts more pressure the time I spend with them. And I suppose the fact that for most of my life, barring uni and choir, it has been difficult for me to find more than one or two people to really connect with, and sometimes not even one.

That's why I like writing in my journal, even though I haven't done it that much this year. It's like I can share all the reflection and all the things that excite me and I know I'm not going to be faced with an expression of patient disinterest. Even when that wouldn't happen in reality, the possibility of it often keeps me closed up around people.

11:17 AM 11/01/2005
I didn't intend to sound this pathetic; I was merely wanting to ponder!