~Choo Choo Train of Thought Coming!
2006-06-11 - 2:35 p.m.

It's difficult.

Basically, if I had even a few thousand in the bank account it'd be less difficult because there'd be something to tie me over until I start earning decent money consistently again. (Even then, I doubt I'd really feel comfortable when I want to get my bank balance up to around $40,000 and I know it'll take me at least two more years of not spending much AND I probably won't last half that at home.)

See, I want to make changes in my life. These changes are not neccesarily in the realm of changing abodes or careers, but more in the fundamental habit area. A lot of this is, therefore, my thinking habit. That needs to be coupled with the habit of biting the bullet and doing and things will be better. But it's sometimes difficult when I can't be relaxed about money or have control over the space I live in.

You know how people say "If only I (had my own home/had a better job/had more money/had more space/had less weight/had more free time/etc.), things would be better"? That's not what I'm about. Of course things would be better if all of those things were true, but there are a few things I realise although am only in the process of internalising: Just chasing those external things is not what it's about - if I want them to come about, I need to change the habits that have meant I don't already have those things; I could have many those things and still find work stressful, spend my time in front of the TV, have headaches and back aches and neck aches, live in a cluttered and disorganised space and so forth - I need to change the quality of the way I live my life and those other things will eventually come and be properly used and appreciated.

Fundamentally, I'm trying to do two things:

1) Without being unrealistic, focus on the positive things in my life, particularly the positive aspects of my behaviour. This is in order to feel better about myself, to feel more confident, to feel more worthy of jobs, to feel more capable of coping with things, not to beat myself up over things that have already happened, to project a confident and competent workplace manner based on the knowledge of things I really have achieved.

2) Do things, not procrastinate, be disciplined. Pretty much any thing that I really feel negative about comes from putting things off or not being disciplined. The idea with this is that, by the end of the year, I'll have developed habits of organisation and activity that mean I feel more confident and positive about returning to full-time work and that full-time work is more rewarding and less stressful. Everything I feel inadequate about or get down on myself about comes from this lack of discipline. In teaching, yes it is full-on and hard and time consuming, but I often put off things such as correcting homework or organising some of the lessons and so forth. It meant that I always felt as if I was running to catch up and I felt that everyone else was organised and calm and therefore doing better lessons than I was. With my health, the lack of discipline shows when I let myself off going for a walk, give in and have unhealthy food, spend too much time on the computer or in front of the TV, get slack on my stretches or don't force myself to bed on time. All of these things make me feel worse in myself because I don't like the way I look and I don't feel healthy, fit, rested and energetic. The mess in my room or on my desk comes down to not putting things away in their proper place straight way, or not dealing with a bill or letter straight away and therefore not being able to put it away.

Therefore, I'm trying to build the habit of actually doing things, not just thinking about it. Things like this. While I'm not going to put journalling as a priority, because I'll just use it as an excuse not to do real-world things that need doing, it's been a good two years since I've journalled consistently, even with just the LJ blog, which does get updated more regularly than this proper diary. I often go about composing snippets of journal entries in my head but, when I get here, can't really be bothered typing. This entry almost didn't get written, but it's turning into a long babble-fest of conglamafluged thoughts. This is one bit of discipline where I just said "right, write!" I'm making myself chip away at my bedroom, making it a leetle bit neater and a leetle bit more organised every day or so. It helps that I've been sleeping better and have relatively little work. Actually, it probably also helps that Dad's home, now! It helps a lot! Normally, I'd be flopped in front of the TV, but he's always got control of the TV now, often watching things I have no desire to flop in front of. My only other options are Mum & Dad's (cold) room to lie on their bed, which isn't good for my neck and back after a while, or to go into my room, where my bed is twenty times worse for my back and neck. What I end up doing is going to my room and having the TV on while I do stuff.

I'm really aware that this discipline is like the healthy-eating discipline or the exercising-daily discipline. It seems so easy to have a moment of going "oh yes, I'll do that in a bit," but I can't. It's like giving in and having one take-away meal. It undoes so much of my good work and makes the habits that much harder. Before I went overseas I'd managed to go a month without any chocolate at all, and I just no longer felt the desire for it. When I did, eventually, by some, it wasn't as satisfying. It tasted...distant! I want to get like that with my chores and paying bills and making phone calls and so forth. I want to get to the stage where it no longer takes a huge effort, it's just a matter of course, it's just what I do. I want to get to the stage where I spend half an hour or an hour after school finishes getting stuff done before I come home, and then maybe another 20-30minutes at home doing some things and then relax for the rest of the time. I want to get to the stage where I get a bill and go online and pay it, then file it away, not leave it on my desk or by the computer and forget about it until it's due in a day or has been added to a pile of paid bills and magazines and things that is filling up space. It's going to be hard because it goes against the grain soooo much, but I really don't think anything in my life is really going to improve unless this does. It's, obviously, so much easier to feel positive if I'm doing tangibly positive and proactive things. My immediate motivation is to avoid stress, ill-health and depression at work, and to get healthier, but, long term, I'm never going to follow through on any of my projects or dreams if I don't learn a little bit of "do it now!" discipline.

That doesn't mean I don't let myself relax at all. It just means that, when I do relax, it's knowing that I've been productive and can relish the time, rather than that guilty relaxing when I know I should be exercising, working, cleaning etc.

And, on reflection while pondering the first two, I think I maybe need to add a third:

3) Keep things simple. I have a jumpy-all-over mind and tend to get overwhelmed or over-creative. Just the simple act of cleaning my room is overwhelming because I've got boxes of papers dating back quite a few years that need to be sorted through, not to mention needing to find places for the handbags on my floor and so forth. Really reorganising my room is a huge job (and huger because I've also got things from my classroom in my car, still and stuff on the desk in the computer room to organise). In the past, I've tried to pull everything out and give it a huge tidy. What happens is that I get tired, have a break, then suddenly it's bed time and half the stuff gets put in boxes and stored away again. The real problem isn't dealt with (that I need everything organised properly and then a system where I always have somewhere, other than the pile of stuff on my desk, to put things). So I'm approaching it little-by-little. It's not one, big, huge job, it's a series of connected little jobs. If I spend an hour sorting out one small box while watching TV, even if I only throw out half of it, sort the rest and return it to the box, it's a little bit done. That's one job done. I may need to return to the box, but that's a NEW job.

It's like that with everything. If I look at the whole, I'll go crazy and nothing will be done properly. I need to focus on breaking things down and doing each little thing thoroughlly.

On a similar note, when I make plans I start wanting to add more and more elements to it. This would be great if I was a proactive, disciplined, organised person, but I never will be that naturally. I need to strip away the fazz and just keep it really, really simple. I need to do that with everything. Focus on the task, focus on my goal, whatever it is, but keep it simple so that it's easier to do and less complicated, therefore less stressful. Easier to maintain. Simple. Simple.

Those are the three things I want to work on. When I apply those three things to everything, every second of the day, things that I can control go well.