~Thoughts on New Year's Eve and 2007
2007-01-01 - 1:29 p.m.

On the one hand, it's nice to have a proper NYE party to go to with friendly people. On the other hand, I can't help who I am and in many ways I'd rather spend it in a lame way with just two or three good friends. The problem with a bigger group is that you have to share everyone's idea of fun. As in, jelly shots and loud music I don't know/like at 2am.

I did, basically, have a very nice time last night but, looking back, I do kind of wish Judith, Bronwyn, Emma & I had managed a little NYE thing as we'd considered. It seems bad, because I almost always spend new year's with Dianne, but I get tired of people who generally do the drinking-and-music-I-don't-know style of partying.

Which makes it sound as if they were really drunk and playing really bad music all night and that I had no fun, which is not true. They often played stuff I know and like, they often sat around chatting and being amusing and there was one funny bit where Tim's friend played Dianne's guitar while he made up lyrics about some of the people. Bronwyn came for a few hours and that was fun, too.

For years I felt really lame for not having a proper New Year's thing to go to, but now that I do I don't care and am not sure I want it anymore.

I suppose the thing is that Dianne and Tim have lovely friends but they're Dianne and Tim's friends. I like them and they're friendly but I don't really have a lot in common with them. The very thing that makes my friends my friends is the way I get along with them in a general sense, the way we have fun without having to "party". And I suppose the thing that annoys me when I look back is how they kept wanting me to drink shots and things, even though I told them that I wasn't going to and that I was driving home. No, it wasn't even the fact that they kept asking me or pressing me, because I'm used to that, I think it was the "you should be more like your sister" comment. I know that they purely and simply wanted me to join in and have fun and they felt that Dianne was good and joining in and having fun (in her own house where she didn't have to drive home to). But I resent the fact that people don't accept that I don't want to do something that they do or like something that they like and that I should change myself to suit them. I'm not really upset by it, but I am irritated.

Oh, and I'm also irritated by people dissing my music taste. I don't really understand how hard it is not to make people feel bad for liking things that you don't. It irritates me because it happened last night and it happened with someone else a few days ago and, really, I thought we'd got past that in secondary college? Nine years ago, people!

It's disappointing how divisive music can be. One of the things I found really alienating last night was simply the amount of music people played that I didn't know. Also, because it was so hot and stuffy in the house, a lot of the time was spent in the backyard listening to one set of music while another group stayed in the loungeroom with other music. I moved about but was usually in the loungeroom listening to ok music at a decent level. I found it really rude the number of times people came in, changed the music and turned it up excruciatingly loud. I just wouldn't do that to them...it's not that I'd never change the music in certain circumstances, but I wouldn't come into a group and just take over.

See, and I also hate how people do that at weddings and functions: turn the music up loud so all you can do is dance for the last three hours of the night or watch like a loser. I don't mind the music and the dancing, I just wish they didn't make it impossible for people to continue talking, too!

Oh, and I hate how people almost look down at you if you don't know a song or a band! I know heaps of things that they don't know and I don't say to them "You don't know whoever! How can you not know whatever?!" Urgh.

See, my friends just don't do that! In the end, I was so glad I'd decided to drive home because it was great not to have to hang around after 2am. Sally had had a migraine for most of the night, so certainly was struggling with the constant blasting of music, so it was good to be able to drive Emma and her home, when they'd intended to stay over. I've been thinking of this increasingly all year, how lucky I am in my friends. I'm not saying that we're always the most exciting bunch, but I really do love my friends. We enjoy ourselves in our own way and it doesn't involve putting anyone else out. I'm really lucky. I've got my fantastic online friends (who really do mean a lot to me), my forever-friends like Sally & Emma, my uni friends and my choir friends from various places. It's just really nice to finally have a slightly decent circle of people who I really appreciate and enjoy spending time with.

The amazing thing about music is how it really does restore my balance. Music fills my mind constantly and it makes me so happy, even it's wallowing/angsty/irritable mood music, hehe. I also love the way at Ballarat Judith, Emma, Bron and I would stand around the BBQ and sing in harmony (not an easy feat when we all generally sing the same voice part)! That's so cool.

One thing I think I've clarified is that, whatever else I spend or save money on, I am going to make sure I have enough for singing lessons. I've wanted to have them again for quite a while but have always put them off as not having enough time or money or something else of that description. This year, I feel as if it's finally right. I won't be taking a term off work to travel (probably!), so I'll have some steady money even if it's not as much as if I had a full-time position. I really want to feel more confident in my singing and I'm tired of getting sung out at the end of choir all the time. Sally recommended her current singing teacher, who I know lives not far from Dianne & Tim, so I could handle travelling there once a week and it also means it's someone who's already been vetted for me.

In the past few weeks, I've been in a bit of inner turmoil, feeling as if I should be doing something about next year. I was looking up jobs online that weren't strictly teaching jobs and found a kids' after-school drama academy that is looking for fully-qualified teachers to train and teach some after-school classes. I haven't done anything properly to do with acting since year 11 & 12, when I completed VCE Drama, Theatre Studies and had principal roles in our productions. I know that I'm not cut out for professional acting, but I miss it. If I had to choose between music and drama it'd always be music, but drama comes just so close behind. Basically, I'd love to do musical theatre! Hehe. Well, I applied, but now I'm not sure that I want it.

It basically comes down to money and time. Because it's after school I can fit them in, but if I work a full week or almost full week as a CRT, doing two or three sessions after school would actually be extremely tiring (as well as cut into my habitual walking time, and I'm such a creature of habit and would be so busy that it'd be really hard to fit in a walk elsewhere, even though it's key to all of my health problems). It doesn't pay too badly, but it's only two or three hours and if I conserved my energy by doing fewer CRT days I'd lose out by only working those few hours at the drama school.

See, a part of me says I should just go for it because it'd be such great experience and it's the kind of thing I'd actually really love to do. Really love to do. But then I think, what if I pick up a contract position at a school for a term or longer? The drama classes would wear me down, I'd have little time for preparation and I maybe even couldn't attend the compulsory staff meetings. I don't really want to go for the interview if I'm not sure about it, but I also don't know that I want to pull out of applying for yet another thing, especially when the position itself so suits what I'd like to do. And I was too aftraid to apply for the performing arts positions that were offered for this year because I didn't feel confident enough in my experience. This would certainly look great on a resume!

But then, I've struggled with having one evening Tai Chi class each week, how would I cope with two or three teaching sessions plus my own singing lessons? Hm.

(It's become such a habit to type 06 at the start of my journal entries!)