~Contrary
2007-01-02 - 6:39 p.m.

Now, I know that if I applied for and - heavens! - actually got the job at the private city school, I'd get paid more than if I returned to full-time teaching. Even at a starting increment I'd get comparable to my fourth year rate. That would possibly make having to travel a lot or move easier.

But, with all the effort involved in learning a new literacy program, a new school and having to travel into the city every day, why on earth would the possibility of two thousand a year extra make me go through the effort of applying there when I couldn't bring myself to apply for any school that I'm already qualified for and are much closer and probably less stressful? If half the thing is that I'm scared I won't cope, why would I suddenly cope at a high-end school? Maybe it's the fact that, even though I have to apply, I don't have to go through the horrendous government school application and interview process. Maybe it's that I'm stupidly contrary and that I want a challenge even though I'm too unconfident to do the things that I could reasonably be expected to already do. Maybe it's the knowledge that it's definitely a grade 2 position. Maybe it's the money.

I don't know what I want!