~Creativity & Freedom
2005-03-25 - 8:45 p.m.

I've just been watching a Lonely Planet thing about London. It was a lot about the alternative, less-seen London, with sex shops, singers and the Alternative Miss World 2004 pageant. It was full of all of these amazingly liberated, innovative, creative and flamboyant people who were living their life without regard to the trends blanketing the world, following their own creative urges and producing beautiful things and making a difference to people as they go.

It stirred my creativity. I am so very creative at heart, I'm just not very talented at it. I sing, play music, perform, write music, write poetry, write stories, write plays and skits, draw and paint a little, make decoupage boxes, sew a little, make jewellery, design web pages, take photos and probably have dabbled with a number of other creative/arty endeavours. I don't necessarily do any of these well, but I feel inspired at different times to do all of these and, unfortunately, my skill is far surpassed by my ideas.

I can't help feeling, though, that being tied to this staid old school job, trying to conform to all of these professional standards and fulfill all of these requirements is purposeless and just working for the system, without the system working for me. It makes me want to go out and organically create sculpture and start pageants and celebrate life, people, diversity, individuality and creativity.

Of course, when I think about it, my job has amazing purpose. What I do can make a positive or negative difference to these children for the rest of their lives and that's an amazing privelige, responsiblity and opportunity. I suppose I'm feeling a little frustrated with my job right now because I do have inspiration for it, but don't seem to have any real ability to make the changes necessary.

I was talking with Charlotte, Peggy and two other good teachers at the end of yesterday. Charlotte repeated what she'd mentioned before, that she was going to get us out of the school and into other areas of the education system so we could be the initiators of great change, too - she thinks we're too good for our current position (how flattering), but then she amended her statement: she said that I was going to stay here and change the school and become principal. *grins* Isn't she lovely? I have the ideals, the ideas and many of the strategies, I just wish I had the wherewithal to really know how to go about getting all of these things done. I suppose I know that I, really, need to start with my own grade. Right now I don't feel like I'm doing any style of teaching very well, be it staid old traditional, airy-fairy open play or innovative thinking thinking thinking skills (you may not the slightly cynical note to each one; I'm a person of balance and can't, in all consciousness, go all-in for any one way of teaching, even though I may tend a little more towards one style than another).

I suppose that's one of the problems: I feel as if I want to teach in all these different ways, yet constantly feel bound by other things that either have to get done or I feel should get done during the week. I know, in the long run, these should all be one-and-the-same. I shouldn't be teaching Tribes things and Writing and Thinking Skills, they should all be blending into each other.

I'll get there. I know I will, if I keep focused and don't procrastinate too much. It's all very well to blame a lot of it on my health - and it is an extremely valid reason for my lack of innovation this term - and, of course, I've been out of my class so much this term so far that it's been much harder, but that's still not really any excuse for my fluffing around during APT time talking over activities with Marcie that I know very well I'm not going to do anyway or coming home and making pretty worksheets when I should be planning activities that really focus on the very different needs of my students as well as challenge and inspire them. I know I can do this, but I need to focus on it, not just think about it and then do something different when I plan!

There's always something so satisfying about typing my journal entries on my laptop. Mmmmmmm. *hugs herself*